


don't go wasting your emotions

by FuntomDreams



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Abusive Parents, Abusive Relationships, F/F, Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Miwa is still in a relationship when sexual tension happens but it’s stops before getting serious, One-Sided Attraction, alcohol mention, the abuse is not detailed and its only verbal aside from one arm grabbing scene
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-01
Updated: 2020-10-01
Packaged: 2021-03-07 22:41:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,153
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26745313
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FuntomDreams/pseuds/FuntomDreams
Summary: It had become apparent to her a long time ago. You don't want to hold your friend's hand. You don't want to have them lay in your arms at night and watch them fall asleep. When you're friends with someone you don't want to capture their lips with yours and kiss their breath away.—Alisa Haiba has never liked boys. One day a girl comes along and steals her heart.
Relationships: Haiba Alisa/Kageyama Miwa
Comments: 2
Kudos: 16





	don't go wasting your emotions

**Author's Note:**

> Hello!! Welcome to my first hq fic and also first wlw fic!!! Just want to brief that the reason the fic is rated m is bc of the scene at the end. It gets a bit spicy but nothing too explicit! The abuse again is only verbal and mostly just Alisa reacting to it. Just be mindful! Brief mention of alcohol but literly nothing goes anywhere with it. Other than pls enjoy!! 
> 
> I want to thank Katts, Mimi, and Sam for supporting me and encouraging me to finish it!!
> 
> — 
> 
> Song inspiration: Lay All Your Love On Me by ABBA

_Lay all your love on me_

_—_

There were many things in her life that made Alisa feel out of place. For one thing, she was biracial in a country that was _97.8% Japanese._ She paid no mind to the kids who picked at her for this. She was always taller than her fellow girls and even some boys. Her taste for high fashion that was on the runways rather than the cute clothes at the mall seems to confuse her friends. How she would practice the poses she finds in high fashion magazines and has her friends take her picture. 

The people in her life just played along with her oddities. People saw her a sparkly item. Something new and exotic. She didn’t care really. _As long as people talked about her._

Did this make her selfish? _Probably._ Would it hurt in the long run? _Oh for sure._ Yet she couldn’t bring herself to care. At the end of the day, all you have is yourself.

_So why not be selfish with it?_

Alisa was used to being out of place. **This was the norm**. Yet when the girls shifted from talking about playing house to liking boys...the feeling of being left out hit differently. Maybe because it wasn’t a physical trait? Like her green eyes or her tall stature.

Her thoughts turned to her fashion magazines and runway shows. It was an interest like those she supposed. Yet when her friends would talk about the fuzzy feeling in their chest and how their faces would light up in red when a boy they fancied was around them. How they would wake up thinking of them and drifted into slumber while replaying the small talks they had.

_Alisa_ **_never_ ** _felt this way about boys._

No matter how many times she would stare for hours at celebrity photos. The same jpop groups that the girls would scream about on the daily. How she would try to empathize with the women in the movies and how they _swooned_ over their male love interest. Something wasn’t clicking and she felt left out. This didn’t make her feel special like her height or her hair or her interest. 

When she didn’t feel the same excitement and glee about her male classmates as her friends she suddenly felt less like an oddity and more like an _outlier._ She wasn’t supposed to be among the others. 

However, there was something she had been aware of for quite a while now. Something that was almost the same as her friends. 

How they felt about boys was how she felt about girls.

Girls took her breath away. Girls made her daydream about holding hands and whispering sweet nothings. Girls gave her the fuzzy feeling in her chest and made her want to be held like the women in those movies. 

She told her little brother this. He was younger and brighter than her. He loved to be included and always tries to make others laugh. He was her golden light in times that were dark. She loved her brother so dearly and would do anything for him. 

He merely blinked at her and shrugged. 

“Well, I don’t really like girls. _Guess you’re not alone._ ”

She didn’t think much of it after that. 

High school was her prime. She was the definition of popular. Boys would flood her shoebox with gifts. She caught onto how they would listen to her conversations. How she would want these shoes or that necklace. And then they would buy it for her. Trying to win her heart with materialistic things rather than just talking to her. 

Boys, she learns, _aren’t the talking type._

It’s a good thing she adored their gifts. Her friends would say she was wrong to accept them. But they were mad she was getting them in the first place. _Or that’s she would tell herself._ She never asks. _She would repeat._ Only spoken out loud what she dreamt of having. _How could she be responsible for another’s actions?_

She knew eventually they would want more. 

It wasn’t too long after that she would get confessed to. She would try to gently let them down. Some understood while others would be furious. Throwing up to her that they got her _this_ and _that._ As if buying someone something meant they were required to submit to your request. 

Boys were manipulative like that she learns. She didn’t care. 

_Unless they offer to take her out on a date._

She would agree just to give them the night they’ve dreamt of. She’ll smile and giggle at their lackluster jokes. Flutter her eyes and give them the attention they so desperately want but barely do anything to earn it. Then give them a quick kiss on the cheek and let them down easily. 

She gained a reputation of a heart breaker. _She didn’t mind_ . She never did. They were only into the idea of her not actually wanting to get to know her. They never talk about _her._ They never really care. Why would they? 

_She’s an oddity that they can’t help but be drawn to_.

Still, something unfamiliar happened. The same feeling of being an outlier seen to slither back into her head. One evening after having a meeting with her teacher about her future plans she finds a pink little note in her shoebox. The writing was neat and the words had subsidence to them. **A confession.** Directions to meet at the side of the school. _The usual_ she thinks. Yet this feels different. Perhaps it’s because she wants it to be different. 

This time she was not met with a boy who was missing much gusto. There was no seeing a boy with too much pride. Not a boy with the _audacity_ to think he can make her his. No boy. 

_A girl._

Petite and stocky. Covered in freckles left from the sun’s kisses in the summer. Cherry cheeks that made you want to eat them up. Bitten lips that clouded the mind. Curves you wanted to trace with your eyes. Hair that most definitely smelt of strawberries. Downcasted eyes that were pleading to the grass for pity. 

**_A girl_ **

Alisa didn’t feel tired like usual. She didn’t feel inconvenienced. She didn’t feel empty or indifferent. Her chest felt like when she would lay under the Kotatsu on a snowy day watching cartoons with her brother. _Warmth and security._

A confession was presented to her. Squeaking and fearful. The shadowy fear of rejection looming over the small starlight.

Alisa had to face the facts she had been running from the truth since the day her friends mentioned how cute those boys were to them now. 

—

“I don’t think I like boys.” 

The words fell out as natural as breathing. Almost like they’ve been sitting on the tip of her tongue since birth. She knew it wasn’t an assumption or theory. It’s proven for far too long. Vocalizing it gave it the power to grow. To manifest into something untamable. She didn’t want to make eye contact with her mother tending the garden. So she took refugees to the sky. Watch the birds be free and do as they please. Perhaps if she focused hard enough she could fly off with them.

Unfortunately, she was cured with legs not wings. Guess it’s just one of the few normalcies she must deal with. 

“I highly doubt this dear. But if you don’t like boys then _what could you like?_ ” 

Her mother didn’t bother looking at her. Her vegetables required far more attention. She didn’t seem like she wanted to have this conversation. Nor did she think that it was needed. Her sweet daughter was spewing _nonsense._

What did she like? The answer was simple yet Alisa couldn’t possibly zero it down to one word. Rather _she didn’t want to_. Why when she could think about how she adored full lips that would feel like cushions if kissed. Long lashes that would tickle your cheek if you close. Soft skin that resembled the feel of feathers running up your arm. The smell of citrus and smiles that blinded you. Soft giggles and round curves. 

_“Girls.”_

The clanking of metal could be heard and a bewildered scoff was meeting her ears. Speaking her truth meant she couldn’t fly like those birds. Not yet. _But soon._

— 

Her mother didn’t care to understand. The argument was hard. _Taxing._ Alisa never felt close to her but after today she felt like they were on two different planes. Her father didn’t speak up but instead just hid away in his study. Her mother begged her not to do this to her. _Do what?_ Like who she liked? Alisa may be selfish at times but her mother was a whole other beast. It ached to be rejected by the very person that birthed and nurtured her. 

She felt like a project gone wrong. She hated fighting with her parents. She hated feeling like a mistake. 

—

Boys are rough.

It doesn’t matter if they think they’re being gentle, _they still feel like sandpaper._ When she holds his hands it’s sweaty. She doesn’t know why just that it’s not hers. When they walked around shops he would walk ahead of her. Never asking if she liked where they were going. 

He told her not to wear heels because they made her too tall. When really it was just too tall for him. He didn’t like the bright colors she liked to wear and hated her in pink. He would be too close when they would watch movies and place an unwanted hand on her knee. 

She would stop breathing and beg the universe for it to stop there. He did thankfully. But he would steal kisses on the lips. Kisses she wasn’t willing to give it away. Boys were like sleeping for ten hours and still feeling exhausted. 

If she would make art about her time with that boy it was with invisible ink on a white canvas. 

Even though she knew the brush was wet _she couldn’t see the strokes_. The delicate details she would painstakingly put in was left unseen. She would gawk at the painting. Trying to wrap her head around how anyone would enjoy it when they couldn’t see the true beauty.

She wanted to light it on fire. 

_Instead, her mother displayed it in The Louvre._

Millions came to see. _To see what?_ It didn’t have her oddities that she held dear. The people didn’t care what it was. When she looked at the other paintings in the room they were all blank too. 

Others had painted in invisible ink and their stories would be overridden.

Her mother didn’t talk to her for a week when she told her she broke up with him. She paid no mind. There was no need to. Her mother wasn’t thinking of her and how she felt trapped. She wanted to paint with color. But the paint was locked up and behind the desk. She would just have to carry an empty canvas 

—

Alisa always wanted to be a model. She went to sleep dreaming of being showered in flashing lights and covered in art. She would practice her posing in her room and her catwalk down the school hallway. Study shows and magazines. 

_Her parents seem to hate everything she wanted to pursue._ Her confession throws them and her teacher for a loop on her final student career interview. It was two months before graduation. _Radio silence._

Clearing her throat, her teacher brought the attention back to her. “Well, Haiba-San when did you come to this conclusion? We never discussed this. That industry is very cut-throat and requir—“

“I'm fully aware. _I’ve wanted this for a long time._ Ever since I was a kid.”

She was quiet for the rest of the meeting. Her parents debated on what they could do to keep her from chasing the stars. She paid them no mind. _Why should she?_ They didn’t care. They **never** seem to care. They didn’t want her to be a model yet she played the role so well. 

Like a manikin in a storefront, they wanted to dress and stage her how they pleased. She wanted to fly with the birds in the sky. Then maybe she would be close enough to touch the stars. 

She was silent in the car ride home as her mother wept to her father and lamented on how her sweet sweet summer child just wanted to disappoint her.

 _Alisa let it all rain out._

Let her mother play the victim this last time. She wasn’t disappointed with the results. She knew this was coming. She had oddities but they didn’t make her an outliner. Her wants and dreams made her an outliner. Standing out from the rest felt right.

_It’s always been her fate._

She stayed silent as her mother hunted her down the hall and up the stairs. Ranting about how she never did **anything** right and how _selfish_ she was being to her. Barking and clawing at the poor girl with her nasty words. 

Alisa just kept charging forward with her head held high, not letting her mother bring her down no more. As she ascended the stairs and into her room, her mother’s tyrant stopped. The sudden silence brought her peace. 

Her room was free from personal belongings. Her posters, figurines, and mementos. She has freed herself and is ready to fly. Boxes and luggage were packed and ready to be shipped off to a new home. One that didn’t feel like an ocean out for murder. Drowning her in misery. 

Of course, her parents never notice the time she spent packing her stuff. _Ready to leave._ They never checked nor asked. Alisa retired to her bed and looked up at her mother. She forced all the confidence she could muster and the words fell out her mouth.

“I leave the day after graduation.”

Her mother didn’t speak anymore. She just scurried off. Leaving Alisa in her empty cage with the door wide open. 

—

Those late two months were spent with just her brother and father. Her mother took time off of work and went to the countryside to help at her grandparent’s farm. She claimed that they needed it. Alisa knew that was a lie. She didn't mind. _Why should she?_ She was almost free and the casualties that came with her freedom were a sin she was willing to commit. 

— 

_Now everything is new_

_And all I've learned has overturned_

—

Some people wouldn’t call a dorm a home. It was a temporary place for them to stay in. They didn’t own the bed. The closet was rented. The desk and drawers have the ghost of another’s clothes and mementos. 

You shared a bathroom and a kitchen. Couldn’t paint the walls. Restrictions to the decor. Though on paper it seemed your freedom was limited. This was the freest Alisa has ever felt. 

She _adored_ walking into a common space that wasn’t riddled in disappointment. If someone didn’t approve of something it was like a cold breeze. It would come and go. She didn’t have to listen anyway. 

The days would be long and hard. But she could come home without being controlled. Not being told what to be and _how to live._

Her roommate gawks at her and would comment on her oddities. Nothing new, no big deal. She enjoyed the familiar attention.

Old friends would text at the beginning. Muse about how they missed her and as soon as they were free they would meet up. She knew this wasn’t true but she indulged in their lie until it was time to forgive and forget. 

She didn’t talk to her family. _Aside from Lev._ She would always have time for her brother. 

Her perfect brother that her parents cherished with all their hearts. The compliant Lev that had little to no restriction. He could do and say what he wanted and no force was put on him. It didn’t matter. _She paid no mind._

She would be damned before allowing herself to find envy in her brother's born freedom. She would love him and celebrate the lack of hardship he went through. 

Modeling came with its rules and demands. _But it was freeing._ She enjoyed the attention. To play dress-up with money in her account from her show. To be kissed by flashing lights and plastered on signs. She could play a character and leave the scene as herself. No more cages. 

_She was flying._

Finally gifted with color ink you could see the labor of love she gave to life. Though it was a limited black and white. She could find comfort in the _grayscale of life._

It’s almost a year into her career that she’s offered a runway show. This was what would make or break her career and the thirst for success and growth was stalking her dreams and goals.

—

Time went as normal outside of this 300 square meter hub of fashion excellence. Here time was a spectrum and you fell where you were fated to be. 

For some, it felt like lost in the abyss searching for an exit. The overwhelming fear that clouded their mind was taking over like a disease. Time crept slow and painful like cutting the oxygen flow.

But the time for another could be like floating among the clouds. Having the current of wind and water take you between destinations. To freely move with confidence as your driving force. No was not an option and if presented it would evaporate until you no longer see it. People with this time charged forward with the intent to win. 

For Alisa, it was being in a crowd full of pretentious people trying to win her favor because of her looks and low esteem that hissed complaints and insults behind her ears hoping she heard but pretended she didn't. It was being pulled around like a rag doll but being dressed up like a barbie. 

Her feelings toward this sensation flipped flopped so much that she decided to settle upon just being compliant. This was after all _her choice_ and she didn't hate it nor did she like it. It was uncomfortable but euphoric. The two feelings collided and chipped at each other. 

She did not mind. _Why should she?_ It was new and with all new experiences, it would feel like growing pains. 

Alisa fought her way across the sea of people to make it to her next set. She would need her face scrubbed down and hair ripped at once again to get into this psychedelic outfit that screamed I'm creative in the most obscure way. 

Demanding that their eyes be burned by the bright colors and ask them, could they recognize the reference to the 70s that the creator was hunting for? She was excited about the flashy colors and hoped the makeup matched its energy.

She found refuge in her makeup chair and released the stress of the trip with a large sigh. Closing her eyes she tried to ground herself 

"It's your first time you're doing great it's your first time you're doing great it's your first time you're doing—”

 _"You should say amazing. It gives it a better punch."_

Jerking her eyes open and a loud squeak escaped her lips, her eyes were met with a charming sight. Long black hair and dazzling blue eyes. A cheeky grin that would eat your heart right up. it made her stomach dance and her voice disappear. This girl—no _this woman_ was captivating.

She wasn’t much tall while Alisa was in the makeup chair, being just above eye level. Yet somehow her presence felt like the moon was high up in the sky as our protagonist tried to reach out and touch her.

She blinked once. _Than twice._ By the third blinked the woman in front of her was snickering 

"I'm not complaining about the blank stare, most models just ignore me or give a glare, _buuut_ miss you seem to be very out of it. I hope you're okay?" 

Alisa was more than okay when her sight was gifted with this beauty. Her snicker was gonna be her new favorite sound.

Alisa didn't mind. How could she when this woman made her feel like her life finally was made right. 

Why did the miss look so confused? _Crap she hadn't answered._

"Ah! I'm so sorry! It's just been really...uh...—" 

"First fashion week is like meeting a beautiful vampire. They _rock_ your world and make you feel so fantastic. _Buuuut_ ya gotta remember that they're here to suck your blood."

 _'I would let you suck my blood—what the hell Alisa.'_ the thought rushed in like a tidal wave and make her face become crimson.

The woman's smile dropped and her face became worried, "Crap I'm sorry that was a weird analogy! I shouldn't have been so casual--"

 _"You're perfect"_

"Huh?" 

"P-Perfectly fine! Yea I'm sorry you're right. So much has been going on...it's all just..." 

_"Overwhelming?"_

Alisa was gifted with another grin and the woman started to move. By this point, our young maiden had taken in her surroundings. She noticed the brushes and makeup were placed on the table before her and the woman was adjusting them and getting them ready. Combs were soaking in sanitizer solution and hair decor was laid out ready for use.

It finally hit Alisa that she should probably question who this person was instead of being a bubbling mess of a model. 

" _Uh_ so are you my makeup artist?"

She faced back toward Alisa with a brush in her hand and a grin spread across her face, "Yep! _Well, also hair too!_ Time to close your eyes.~" 

As she started to dust pigment onto her eyelids and the model started to relax more, "So what's your name?" 

_"Oooh, I feel so special today!!_ I never get talked up this much~ You're different." 

Being called different never felt so euphoric before. 

"Really? Most of the artists seem so tired by the time I get them. You're a breath of fresh air. So I guess you’re _different."_

She began to work on her cheeks and such a sweet giggle kissed her ears, "Me? _Different?_ Ha thanks but I'm good with being average. It makes all the special and different people around me stand out more. Which is far more fun to watch."

Opening her eyes she was captivated by the grace the woman had to her. As she cleaned her combs and worked through her tools. Picking what she needed and working on her canvas. 

Time didn't exist with her. People didn't exist with her. _She could stay frozen like this for eternity._

"All done!! You can go to clothing now." 

A flood of voices came back and they were no longer just the two of them. A thousand intruders came in to ruin their haze. Alisa was pulled from her seat and as she processed the actions around her she came to terms that she never got her name. 

"It's Miwa by the way!!" 

She must have let it slip 

"Alisa!!" 

That ever brilliant grin was put on her lips again and her eyes shined like the star she was.

"Catch me after the show! Promise?" 

As the crowd devoured Miwa and fabric wrapped Alisa up and many hands tugged at her waist dragging the air from her lungs. She whispered

_Promise_

—

Getting Miwa's number was like receiving a gift the size of your whole body as a kid. Having her text you not even ten minutes after receiving it and immediately chatting you up feels like when you open the gift and it turns out to be what you've wanted for months. Her asking you to hang out was like waking up for school and realizing it's canceled because of a snow day and you can go back to sleep.

No thinking with her. _No responsibility with her._ It's the closest Alisa has ever gotten to being with the birds that flew past her window. 

When they would get coffee together and swap ridiculous stories of the fashion world. Alisa would have the image of Miwa laughing to her heart content burned into her brain. 

When she would get a late-night text asking for Alisa to accompany her to a convenience store for a midnight ramen party and whispers of forgotten memories. Alisa would hold those memories and dreams like a newborn baby and shower them with the attention they deserve. 

When they go shopping for new clothes that they don't need and Miwa peaks her cute little face around the curtain requesting Alisa for assistance.

How scandalous she felt walking into her friend just dressed in red lace and wire that held her chest up. Her eyes would dance across her skin and the small contact they had as she zipped up the dress was like electronic shooting through her body. 

How the image will play on repeat in Alisa's head-on late lonely nights when her roommate was gone. 

How her body would tingling from head to toe while she was on the phone with her late at night. Sweet whispers about her day and how she would go into tangents, not realizing how worked up she was getting. 

It didn't matter how many times Miwa would apologize, Alisa would let her talk to her until her last breath. 

She didn't mind. _Why should she?_ Miwa chucked her moving boxes into the young woman’s brain and made herself comfortable. Alisa had **no intention** of evicting her. 

With Miwa her grayscale painting suddenly had color. When Miwa would go to her it made her painting sparkle like the stars. She never wants to give her away. 

— 

She adored her friendship with Miwa. She loved the butterflies that danced in her stomach. How her breath would be caught for a moment every time she saw her. How the world would stop for them and she no longer wanted to keep track of time. When she would lay her head in Alisa's lap and watch the movie with glee. How Alisa would run her fingers through her hair and wishing she could caress her cheek.

She would get lost in the curves of her face and her eyes would always seem to find its way to her lips. 

Alisa didn't want to think. She wanted to commit and dive into her wants. 

It had become apparent to her a long time ago. You don't want to hold your friend's hand. You don't want to have them lay in your arms at night and watch them fall asleep. When you're friends with someone you don't want to capture their lips with yours and kiss their breath away. 

Miwa was never really a friend to Alisa. _She knew this from the very beginning._ Yet she pretended to no one but herself so desperately. The fact that she couldn't have Miwa in the way she wanted was always apparent. Yet she was comfortable in this limbo she had created. 

They could hold hands for only a moment. _She would tell herself._ Just to get her attention. _She would defend._ They could cuddle on the couch under one blanket. _It's the only one you have and you don't want to take your roommates._

To do as much as her heart wanted within the boundaries she was restricted to. This was the equilibrium she would sit in. 

Four months of balance unbroken.

"My boyfriend is moving in with me! He's coming from Miyagi.”

_Boyfriend?_

_"Ooooh yeah,_ I don't think I told you. My bad yeah we're like high school sweethearts~" 

**Boyfriend.**

"He's been going to the law school back home since it's cheaper. But he's starting at a law firm in Tokyo. We found a nice apartment and I've already put in the deposit. I'm so excited!!" 

An army of broken dreams shaped like the silent seas came charging in. Where the waves crash into her lungs and she could no longer live in the careful and gentle balance that was created. **Trap** in an unstoppable storm and fear of lady death taking her hand and leading her down the aisle to her new home. _Oh, how she wishes to leave this reality._ So she no longer feels this way. It attacks her in ways of the unknown and no matter how much she yearns to escape she cannot.

 _It was supposed to work._ She thought. _Why did it hurt this much?_ She wept.

Did she really fall this far

...

**_This hard_** _without realizing it?_

Alisa only gave her a brief smile and allowed Miwa to talk passionately about her beau who she had oh so sweetly forgotten to mention. 

She had to excuse herself and go home.

She wanted to not mind. Yet her mind, her body, and her soul seemed to ache so hard over the simple thought of Miwa being completely without a doubt, **not hers.**

She bought a ticket to the next train straight to home and packed her bags like the building was on fire. It was the first time in years that she wanted to see her mother. 

—

It's been a year since she's been home. 

The only person she kept in contact with was Lev. She would still text and call. Let him in on her fast past life and rose color stories. He would keep her in the loop about his life. How much he hated school but loved his classmates.

He would never bring up their parents. It was the only thing he could do for her. He couldn’t heal her wounds but only gave her company while she picked herself up. 

She learned that he started playing volleyball and was lucky to make it to some of his games. She saw him shine at nationals and experience his first major loss. She made friends with his team and even others. 

Adopted a little sister who made her look forward to coming back to town to see. Her brother was never too far from her. But she always avoided the topic of coming home. She would always fork out the money for a hotel rather than staying in her childhood bedroom.

So standing in front of the house that brought her misery was odd. She didn't feel the same dread that she did a year ago. She wanted so badly to be welcomed back with open arms. A hug that told you that everything would be alright. She was being extremely optimistic to think that coming home meant that things had change.

Perhaps her mother had grown and her father would open his mouth to defend her. All these hopes were higher than a skyscraper. 

She opened the door knowing full well her family would be sitting in the living room. Enjoying their Sunday without her. She would be a stranger invading their home. 

_"I'm home."_

The silence made the room feel empty and cool. Anxiety skyrocketing into the air like a jet and fear clawing at the driver’s wheel. Alisa wanted to run and forget she tried to find refuge in the same home that gave her hell for so many years.

_It's only been a year._

The door to the living room opened and there was her father. He looked tired from what she assumed was the cause of long shifts at work. But curiosity twinkle in his eyes. The revelation that his little girl was calling out overtook his face. The shocked expression washed away from his face when he registered that it was her and a warm smile broke out. His arms lifted up and made his way toward her, pulling her into a hug. 

They started to cry. When the fear faded. When the hate started to lift. When the reassurance was given it helped them both weep. 

"Welcome home."

—

"Dad talks about you at least _once a week!_ He goes out and buys every magazine you're in and even learned how to use google to see you in other stuff. When I told him you were in fashion week he was so confused!!"

"Ahaha I bet."

"But when I explained, he was so excited for you. But more importantly, he said he was **proud.** " 

Her father was proud of her. 

_Proud_

Alisa cleared her throat, "R-really?"

Lev nodded vigorously and his already present grin widened.

"Yes! I was so shocked when he said it! And get this _mom—_ " 

He fell silent and fidgeted in his seat. _She knew why._ It's been a few hours since she was home and no one has mentioned her. **Her mother.** The woman wasn't even home, she was out with her friends enjoying her day off. Her brother and father were just trying to be cautious. It warmed her heart but she had to face the pain at some point. She wanted to stop running and end this. 

"What did she say, Lev?"

He shifted some more and his eyes didn't want to meet hers. Panic started tingling in her chest but she ignored it. She went to plead to him but suddenly the door to his room had opened. 

_It was her mother._

She was out of breath, most definitely because of running up the stairs. Her hair was disheveled. She was gripping at the door frame hunched over. Alisa squeezed her dress and swallowed her dread. It was now or never.

"I'm home..."

Her mother was still trying to gain the much-needed air back into her lungs. Slowly it flowed back in and she started to straighten herself out. She looked Alisa dead in the eyes and a small smile crept onto her lips.

_"You're home."_

—

Turns out Lev has a boyfriend. It seems to be a common thing with the important people in her life to keep this information from her. 

"To be fair nee-chan we did start dating about a month ago."

 _"Doesn't matter!_ How are you gonna just skip over that Levochka!" 

They were setting the table for dinner. The only reason this new fact was discovered was that said boyfriend was coming over for the meal. Alisa couldn’t believe how comfortable their parents were about this. _Lev having a boyfriend._ She remembered when he reassured her that day when she confessed to their mother. He held her as she cried and mourned the heartbreak. It never crossed her mind since then that he would actually try to make his dream a reality. 

But then again Lev was never caged like her. He was never held to the same standards. 

She finished laying down the last utensil and settled herself in the seat in front of her. She fiddled with the chopsticks and avoided looking at her dear brother. The question she so desperately needed the answer to was just sitting on her lips. It became difficult to form the actual words but she had to know. 

“So...how did they...were they good to...I’m mean they weren’t harmf—”

 **"Alisa it's okay they were great!** _Please don't worry_ if something was wrong you know I would come to you. But...when I told them... _I mean they didn't really understand_...but it also seemed like they were preparing themselves—maybe not that—they just really tried to understand...but.." He contorted his mouth a little. Trying so hard to find the right words.

"They seemed to have changed their outlook from when you told them. It wasn't for me....I think it was because of you... _they wanted to understand you."_

Alisa always tried to keep her more unsavory emotions to herself. Her envy for brother's freedom to be who he was without their parents dictating and smashing his dreams. Her rage toward her father and his lack of confidence in stopping her mother from speaking and doing what she pleased to their daughter. Her anguish she felt when she yearned for the position that a man she didn't know held in the life of the one she loved. 

_She hated not showing her best face._

Once again she started to fiddle with the chopsticks. Her breathing became shaky and her vision was blurry. It didn't all connect for her at first that she was crying until the tears were flooding down her face. Before she started to completely retreat into herself she was yanked into a hold. Her brother squeezed tight almost like he was trying to drain her from whatever pain she was feeling left. 

He let her weep in his arms and rubbed her back to soothe her breathing. 

Maybe the change was coming after all...

— 

She watched her mother move around in the backyard from the sliding doors. Asking now could make or break the tiny bit of their relationship that they had left. **It terrified her.** The wounds her mother gave all those years made the young girl _petty._ Oh, how she yearned to take her mother by the collar and let the grotesque feelings of anguish be revealed. To finally let her nasty emotions be set free and known. 

For her to cry out that she no longer cared what her mother thought.

_That was a lie._

That she hated her this whole time. 

_This was also a lie._

That she **never** loved her.

_That would_ **_never_ ** _be true._

The body doesn't want to listen when it feels that it's gonna be hurt more. Even so, Alisa was determined to push through. _Her body would listen today._ She dragged herself to the door and slid it open. Her legs felt like lead. Head full of the many disastrous possibilities that would be destruction to her already beaten feelings. 

It was time to settle this whether she likes it or not. 

Her mother was a small woman. She hadn't always been. They got their height from their father. The Russian genes were strong with him and made them grow like beanstalks. Their mother was a tower when she still held her youth. Yet as time passed, the gravity of the world, the stress, and the responsibilities of being an adult weighing on her broke her down. She was now a head shorter than Alisa. Despite this, she felt like the burning sun while you dragged yourself through the desert with no water. 

She was in the middle of potting new plants. Humming a familiar lullaby that she used to sing to them as a kid. It's hard to remember when her mother was actually sweet. When she showed the love that Alisa hoped she still had in her heart. It was like a splash of cold water to her face. She fiddled with her hands, her words caught in her throat. She hated how it was hard to push through her head. Instead of feeling the pain from taking a bandaid off slowly, you should just rip it off. 

"Mom... _I like this girl..."_

Alisa felt like a little girl again, waking up in the middle of the night to a pitch-black room and scared that a monster would get her. Squeezing her eyes shut just like then and begging the universe to give her the strength to face this monster. 

The response given was a soothing hummed. Alisa was a bit taken back by this. It was a sign to continue. 

"And...and she doesn't like me back...I...I" 

The movement in front of her stopped and the old woman pushed herself off of the ground.

Alisa braced herself for the harsh words she was anticipating to come. She slammed her eyes back shut and wrapped her arms around herself. She felt like a child. 

She wanted so bad not to mind. _Except she couldn’t stop her instincts from taking over._

Two hands made their way on either side of her upper arms. Gently they squeezed at them which caused her to open her eyes. Alisa met the empathic eyes of her mother and a smile that offered some sort of relief to the young woman. It was time to fully face her. 

"This must be hurting you a lot...and it must have taken you a lot of energy to come to me with this. I... _I know I've hurt you a lot over the years._ So much so that I know an apology won't fix it all. I know what I did was wrong. You don't have to accept it...but I am so sorry 

Alisa. You deserved a mother that nurtured you instead of bringing you pain...." 

The last time Alisa remembered crying in front of her mother she was around ten. She had fallen off her bike and scraped up her leg pretty badly. She wailed like her bones had been broken. Her mother did not yell. Did not belittle her feelings. She just hummed a sweet song while caring for her wound. Carried her into the house and gave her some ice cream. Giving a kiss on the cheek and whispering _see you're alright._

Crying can be very cathartic when needed. It felt so good to sob in her mother's arms. Her mother hummed the same song that she had that day. Whispering the final key that opened the door to healing.

_"You're alright my sweet summer child."_

—

Alisa stayed for a week. She caught up with her parents and learned many things. They did their best to give her space but also tried to learn about her new life. Most of all to make up for the lost time. **A week doesn't fix everything.** Old habits and learned behaviors will inevitably come back. But this time it's not intended. _Alisa knows this._ She knows her parents are trying so hard and she'll have to work on her trauma too. When she leaves and says goodbye, this time it's not meant to be permanent. 

But a promise to return. 

The train ride home is hopeful and calm. She's excited to start working again and to keep making her family proud. She returns back to her dorm with a peep in her step and newfound purpose. It all seems perfect until she gets a text and is reminded why she left in the first place. 

**5:21PM** | Miwa: _hey I hope we can meet up soon!! I'm excited to catch up! I hope your visit home went well!_

—

The modeling world is like a bullet train to the mind and body. You could easily overwork yourself with the many jobs presented. Typically Aisa would try her hardest to have a good work-life balance. Except right now she wanted to stay busy. She would say to herself that it was _to build up her reputation_ . Repeat over and over that it’s s _o she can save money to move into her own apartment._ To make a name for herself. 

Yet the truth is never hidden no matter how much pain you put over it. You can feel it under the layers. Revealing what was always there. _Trying to avoid Miwa._

Miwa is busy too. Busy with her clients. Busy with her shows. Busy with photoshoots. Busy moving into her new apartment. Busy catching up with family. **_Busy with her boyfriend._ **

Her boyfriend was a leech and loved to drain her of the little free time she had. Any time Alisa and she would try to plan a meet up it would always get canceled. _Sorry, Akito got off early and really wanted to try this new restaurant with me._ How dumb. _Hey I know I suck with canceling on you all the time but Akito isn't feeling good so I wanna stay home to take care of him._ He's a grown-ass man. _He needed me for something last minute...I'm the worst best friend. Imma make this up okay!_ It was like Alisa never mattered to her. 

Although it didn't matter because Alisa was busy too. She'll just keep pushing through and doing what she needs. Besides, as time went by the texts between the two became less frequent. Their calls became short and less often. Alisa would barely speak and just let Miwa go on and on about her life. She didn't want to update her on what was happening with herself if it meant she couldn’t be here to enjoy it with her.

Sure she might be petty by not trying. _But trying hurts too much._ Knowing she wouldn't get very far. The fact that she couldn't even have her as a friend let alone as a lover ached her soul. To her there felt like no other choice but to push away. **It broke her.**

She would tell herself that she didn’t mind. That it was the process of letting go. 

After seven months of non-stop work she was able to find an apartment. Moving out of her dorm was a triumphant day, celebrating all the energy she had burned to achieve it. The apartment was small and not anywhere close to being luxurious. Her taste for the finer things made her pout at the thought of its low budget. With a little love and work, she was able to turn it into a place unique for her. Somewhere to step in and feel complete.

While losing herself in work she did try to make time to visit home. To slowly start to mend the broken relationship with her parents. Her mother even suggested and helped her set up a tinder (which was a wild moment with lots of embarrassing talks and laughs). She was so grateful for this development. 

The app was daunting at first but curiosity was tickling her mind. She wanted so badly to let go of Miwa and would try anything to do so.

Alisa felt like she was using the women on the app when it got deep. She could go out and drink. She was fine with accepting their offers back to their homes and falling into their beds, dancing her fingers across their skin. Leaving marks that would remind the other of their sinful rendezvous. Leaving in the morning without a goodbye. _Only physically could she vent._ To her, it wasn't truly letting them in. Her heart still belonged to Miwa at the end of the day. 

Maybe if she saw her one last time and cut the ties they held them together. Only then would she finally be able to move one 

—

**10:43pm** | Alisa: _Hey can we meet up?_

—

The cafés in the heart of Tokyo are always so exciting to discover. You can expect the eccentric ones. _The maids, the cosplay, the gaming._ Alisa has indulged in some of these themed ones before but quickly realized they weren’t for her. Yet on a slow summer day, she stumbled upon a sweet one. It was her favorite, tucked away in an alley. 

It’s outside was almost unnoticeable. Plants making it their own rather than just staying as decoration. Walking in you felt like you had just teleported to a mystical forest. It felt safe like the warmth of a fire burning in a little cottage on a snowy morning. It was run by two old women. They were fluffy vintage dresses and had smiles that felt like hugs. 

They say that they are roommates. Though Alisa knew there’s more to it. She noticed the way they look at each other, watching one with so much earnestness as the other worked. The small touches they gave, squeezing their arm for a job well done or running one's fingers through the other's hair. Laying her head on the other's shoulder while she read through the papers. 

Alisa has only ever brought one person here and it was Miwa. 

When their visits together started to slow down and Alisa was more present by herself rather than being the popular pair the ladies picked it up. They took their time to bring the subject up but when they did it was never a pushing matter. It was then that Alisa knew that they were like her and it made this place, even more, warmer than before. 

She adored the little safe haven that they had for her and she knew it was a perfect place for them to end this.

She waited patiently for Miwa in their favorite sport. It was by the window and gave a view of the sunlight that peeked between the roofs of the alleyways. The sun was like a fluffy blanket wrapped around Alisa. It was getting colder outside and October was bringing the final changes to the world. Oranges and reds were the main colors that were being used to decorate. This time of year always made Alisa feel cozy from the inside out. How she felt security in the autumn leaves and chilly weather. 

_Miwa was 20 minutes late._ Alisa tried not to care but a brew of irritation and sadness was forming. She wasn't shocked that this was happening. It was clear that her dear friend never had time for her anymore and it stung like a bee’s kiss. The buzzing feeling of wanting to blow up Miwa’s phone and clouded her head. Yet she tamed her urge and found patience in the sweet chamomile tea. It was her favorite and the shop owners gave her everything she needed to find some stability in this rocky river. 

They were clearing ahead of the rapids.

After another ten minutes had passed Alisa began to be anxious and decided that she would text her. Grabbing at her phone, she quickly brought up the messaging app and went to text the message when the door chimed open and a very winded Miwa came through. 

Sometimes there are days _—and these days are very few—_ that Alisa hates being proven right. 

The mind and heart are very powerful. The power to make the world stop overseeing one person. To increase your heart rate and make your whole body tingle. Miwa's hair was shorter and Alisa wished she had missed her long mane but with it short it shaped her soft feature face like a frame for a painting. Her eyes were still captivating like the first time they met. Her famous grin still held her heart and made it melt like ice. 

Being in love was a blessing and a curse. 

Regret and second-guessing were grabbing her by the throat. They dragged her down memory lane and chained her to fate. Loving someone is easier. Like breathing. Leaving someone is harder. Making the sky turn from blue to red. _Could she really end this?_ For months it felt like their relationship was an empty shell of what was once the dominant presence of Akito was given. 

Yet when Miwa excitedly made her way to Alisa and pulled her out of her seat for a hug that felt like the literal embodiment of safety and love. It was like the multiple chapters that went missing from their book reappeared. The longer she squeezed the more it became apparent that Miwa did in fact care for her. _That she had a place in her heart._ Alisa couldn't go through with this. 

Losing Miwa meant losing the color in her life. **She couldn't bear it.**

After a few moments, they settled back into their seats. Alisa could feel the heated stares and happy smiles that the shop owners were sending her. The shop was slow and quiet, just a few other customers occupying the space. 

"So!! What's new with you Alisa? It's been so long since we've seen each other. If you weren't plastered all over Tokyo I would have thought you got abducted by aliens or something!" 

They laugh and _it feels normal._ Alisa pours the information into Miwa's hand and she drinks it up like she hasn't had a drop of water in days. It makes her feel good inside. To have Miwa’s attention all to herself. 

"Ah!! It's so nice that you have your own apartment now! I know sharing can be hard." 

_You have no idea._

"You would think models would be clean but some of those girls are nasty. I wanted my own space." 

"Oh, I feel ya on that! It felt so good when I moved from my cosmetology dorm to my first apartment. For one thing, it was only my hair being everywhere not three others." 

It was like time had never passed. The relief she felt on how easily they were able to pick it all back up like it was nothing. They spent a couple of hours catching up. It felt so good to finally be back with her. _It was perfect._

A phone started to ring. It wasn't Alisa's. Miwa looked into her purse and pulled out her phone. _It was Akito._ The little fuzzy bubble of reconnection and peace popped like a balloon. All of a sudden Alisa felt cold. 

Miwa didn't look too happy either but perhaps it was just Alisa projecting. Miwa quietly tried to control the conversation but she seemed to be struggling. Irradiation started to take over her face and Alisa watched as her friend started to get overwhelmed by the caller. She wanted so badly to ask if things were okay, _but she didn't want to pry._ So she watches as she huffs and mumbles. Until she barked out a rough goodbye and hung up the phone. 

Emotions are a part of everyone. It’s a spectrum and you can never control what will come up or develop. Alisa hated the nasty emotions she was feeling right now. The pure joy she felt when presented with the fact that the one she loved and cared for was having problems with the very thing that has been keeping her away from Alisa for months. 

It was a nasty feeling that she wished would go away. Yet she couldn't help but smile. 

Miwa awkwardly laughed it off when Alisa inquired if everything was okay, "Yea no need to worry. It's just Akito insisted on coming here today with me. But I told him no I wanted to spend time with just you." 

_Just you._

"Aaand he got pissy because I wasn't budging. Usually, I cave especially when....uh...when he pushes. So now he's called and chewed me out for taking too long. Getting mad that I wasn’t answering his text. Well duh, I won’t!!! It's been seven months!!! I'm supposed to catch up within the hour and just leave? _Hell no!_ I've pushed you off for him way too much. **Not anymore.** " 

Oh, how Alisa wanted to cheer so badly. Jump up and scream to the heavens. However, she didn't want to be seen as weird or insensitive. Capturing Miwa’s hand on the table, she gives it a squeeze and a reassuring smile. 

"That means a lot to me Miwa. _Thank you."_ Miwa squeezed back. She tried to give a smile but it seemed to be hard. Her eyes fell down to the table and she seemed to be searching for something. Alisa gave another squeeze to her hand, "Hey what's up? You know you can tell me anything." 

Blue skies met seafoam green waves. She looked desperate and it tugged so hard at Alisa's heart. _What was it hurting her so badly?_ How did she let it go on this long without coming to her? She wanted so badly to wipe her pain away. 

Another chimed came from the door. It was a tall man and he looked unpleasant. Alisa hopes he's not here long. Just the energy around him alone made her groan. She looked back at Miwa to give her the attention she needed. Giving her another encouraging squeeze to the hand, Miwa went to open her mouth. 

_"—Miwa it's time to go."_

Turns out the man wasn't going anywhere anytime soon. He had made his way to the ladies and his ever brooding presence grew twice its amount. Miwa looked up and her face turned to anger. 

"Akito what are you doing here? And what do you mean _it's time to go?"_

"Miwa _you know what I mean._ It's been three hours. Who talks for that long?" 

"Obviously people who haven't seen each other in months. **Go home.** " 

"No." 

_"Yes."_

"No" 

**_"Yes."_ **

Miwa shot up from her seat and tried to get into his face but the height differences made it difficult. They began to argue. He was talking to her like she was his property. Trying to dictate what she can and cannot do. With every nasty word that spewed from his mouth the more, the chains around Miwa’s freedom became present. Alisa couldn't stand watching it. So she interjected. 

_"Listen._ I'm not sure what made you think you have power over her life but she's her own person. Someone who can choose to do whatever she wants freely. Not an object. If she wants to talk at a café for three hours then she can. **I think you should leave."**

He scoffed and turned his body towards her, "I didn't ask you." 

Men are never gentle when they have power. They dig their dirty nails into the skin of freedom and rights while screaming ownership like it was their god-given right to control the people around them. Always taking what’s not theirs. Always hurting such a diligent life.

 **"Last time I checked I wasn't answering a question."**

It’s hard to stand against monsters like him. You feel your words escape you at times. Thinking _I could never win._ Love gives you the strength to be daring. **To take control.** Alisa never wanted to see Miwa struggle like this again. She will use her tongue to cut wounds. Hands will come to rip her free from these chains if needed.

Her sharp words blew up the rage in him. He went to bark back when one of the owners stepped in, "Sir I think you should leave. You're bothering all our customers and this is a safe space full of good energy. _Your tomfoolery is tainting it."_

He looked so disgusted at the confrontation. Like telling no to a spoiled brat that knew nothing of such words. He gripped Miwa's arm and started to pull her, _"We're going."_ Miwa pulled back yelling at him to let her go. What was Alisa supposed to do? Nothing they said made a difference. He wanted her gone and it appeared he would do anything to accomplish this. She panicked and picked the option that she felt would settle this best. 

"Miwa.... _I think you should go._ We can meet up another day...Okay?” 

She didn't want to think about how upset Miwa looked when she said that. She felt like she was betraying her. Her stomach churned when she caught a glance of the snake's smug face. Watching her get pulled away felt like she was drowning all over again. 

That night in bed Alisa couldn't sleep. She wanted Miwa to stay in her life so badly but it became apparent that she wouldn't be able to have this unless her cage ws broken as well. To feel the hurt of another was something foreigner to Alisa. Could she save Miwa the same way she saved herself? 

—

_I feel a kind of fear_

_When I don't have you near_

—

**9:40pm** | Miwa: _Hey, can I stay over at your place tonight?_

— 

If Miwa asks her to rob a bank Alisa feels like she would do it just for the chance that it would make her smile. She's thankful Miwa isn't crazy enough to ask her that— _though who knows what surprises might happen._

Yet when she was asked to spend the night hesitation wasn't even a word in Alisa vocabulary. Saying yes to Miwa was like second nature. Breathing without thinking. She would say yes to her for any reason. 

Having her standing in our maiden’s doorway with her bag of broken dreams and her pleading eyes of wanting to be let free made the young woman want to go commit murder. But then that would mean not seeing her world for life and that wasn't something she was willing to do. 

She guides her into the tiny studio. Gesturing her to where the amenities are. Wasn't like there was much space to show off. The bedroom was speared by a small half wall which kept the kitchen and living area together. The bathroom door was next to the exit. 

It was decorated with pictures of dusty pinks and rich greens framed with gold. Train tickets to places far off from home. Flyers from shows and polaroids of the past. The soft glow of stringed lights blanketed the studio in warmth. Because of her new found relationship with her mother Alisa began to have a green thumb. So plants covered the studio and greeted a happy atmosphere. It was nice. 

Miwa sits her stuff on the floor next to the couch and flops on it, releasing a sign that just sings exhaustion. Alisa went to the kitchen and asked Miwa if she wanted some tea. Looking up she was met with an easy smile. 

_“Got something harder?”_

It was nice. Just the two of them in Alisa's little home. Felt like out of one of her dreams. If only they could share this space together all the time. A wishful thought that would never come. It brought the melancholy back but she pushed through. Digging through her cabinets she found two wine glasses and pulled the open bottle from her fridge. Sitting the cup on the coffee table, she began to pour the win substance. Finishing her task she settled on the opposite end of the couch. 

Distance meant balance. The last thing Alisa wanted to do was break this balance again. 

Miwa thanked her and took a drink. Her body relaxed and she hummed out a satisfactory moan. Alisa swallowed thickly and took a drink of her own. _Seems it was going to be a long night._ It was quiet for a while but time didn't seem to move. It wasn't uncomfortable, actually far from it. It was peaceful and relaxing and she didn't know exactly why Miwa took refuge with her. Though she could guess it. 

But her friend decided to break the silence, "Thank you again Alisa for letting me stay here tonight. I know it was the last minute. I just... _I just didn't want to stay home."_

"Oh course!!" _I would do anything for you_ "I mean I get it. After today....well I'm assuming that's the reason." 

A cynical laugh barked from the young woman in front of her, _"Yeah you'd be assuming right._ God, he's such a pain. It was so embarrassing. But I'm thankful for yours and the sweet ladies at the café for your words." 

Alisa fiddled with her nightdress and looked away from Miwa, "So you're not upset...with me?" Miwa looked so confused and moved closer to her. Placing her small hand on Alisa's forearm brings her eyes attention back to the woman. 

"Huuuh?? Why would I be upset? I mean...I get why you would think that. I didn't want to leave...but he wouldn't have stopped pushing until I complied. So you giving me that voice...letting me go helped me." 

It got silent for a little until Miwa peeped back up, _"Hey! Wanna do something fun?"_

"Okaaay like what?" The grin she fell in love with dancing onto Miwa's lips and she knew that whatever it was it was gonna be trouble. 

—

Alisa wasn't bad at makeup. She would do it for herself all the time. Plus sometimes she had to do it herself for work. But doing someone else's makeup was far harder. Especially when you both were sitting on the bed and it was hard to reach. 

"You seem to be struggling hehe." 

Alisa clicked her tongue, "That's because _I am."_

This earned her a sweet giggle that made her chest flutter. The bed buckled and it was hard to reach Miwa's face. There was no stability. The constant giggling and chatter made it hard for either to sit still. Not that she wanted the sounds to stop. The lighting wasn't the best, only her bedside table and the string lights around her studio lit up the place. Also, the thought that she may need glasses came into play. 

"God I don't know how you do it Miwa. Especially with all the moving." 

"Ahah so you think my job is hard~?" 

_"Never said it was easy."_ They both laughed. 

"Can you not see?" Alisa nodded, **"Get closer then."**

"I can't!" There was a pause before Miwa put her hand on Alisa's arm, stopping her action. 

_"Come here."_

Swiftly Miwa pulled Alisa into her lap by her arms. Once she was settled she laid back onto the pillow and closed her eyes. Her hands left Alisa's arms and started to glide down them until they pushed past her waist and fell into place at her hips. Our girl on top was stunned the whole time. Her mind was clouded with the thought that she was straddling her. Her dress hiking up from the position revealing some of her thighs. Her breath was caught and her stomach started to warm. She lifted herself up so she was hovering over the other’s hips. Miwa frowned 

"Why did you move?" 

"Are...are you sure?" 

"Of course I am why would I put you there if I wasn't." 

Alisa stayed frozen and didn't want to move. She didn't like how good it made her body feel to be in this position. How could she focus on doing makeup when hands were burning on her hips through her dress and wicked thoughts captivated her mind? She could feel the warm body between her legs and it shot tingles up her back. 

"Come on Alisa! It's fine _I promise._ It'll be easier this way..." Swallowing thickly, she settled back down. Yanking her thoughts from focusing on the newfound contact. It was warm and comfortable and the butterflies in her stomach started to dance. 

She got back to work on the makeup. Focusing became harder when Miwa started to rub circles into her side. The movements made her shiver and a small sigh released from her lips. The urge to push her hips down pestered its way to her head. She bit her lip to try and bring herself back to reality. 

The more she tried focused on the makeup the closer their faces got. It was like a pull between them. Before she knew it they were less than a foot apart. She pulled the brush away and announced her compilation. Miwa's eyes fluttered open and she grinned up at her. 

"Hey..." 

_"...Hey"_

Her heart was pounding and her body was on fire. This had been the closest they've been. She sat the tools aside and went to sit up but Miwa held her down. Alisa looked back. _What was she supposed to say?_ This whole situation was so odd. She didn't want to think that there was a hidden meaning behind this yet she couldn't escape this thought when she was being held down in the other’s lap. 

"Do I look good?" Alisa couldn't help but laugh. 

_"I mean it's not my best work._ But if we got up you could see." 

**"Don't wanna."** Alisa skipped like a record and processed the comment. Breaking boundaries can be scary. Whatever she decides to do now could make or break their relationship. She leaned down a bit more. 

"Oh yeah...why?" 

Miwa started to trace shapes into the side of Alisa's thighs. Her hands started to dip under the nightgown and the sudden feeling of cold fingertips on hot skin brought goosebumps to the model. A groan escaped and her lids squeezed shut breaking the eye contact. 

Miwa began to look down watching herself. Licking her lips she moved further under the dress until hands met the bare skin of Alisa’s hips. Feeling the lacey garments underneath. Running her fingers up and down it. She squeezed her thighs which sent shivers through Alisa’s body. This action made the girl on top grab at the bed which caused Miwa to stop. 

"Oh! I'm sorry..." 

"Don't be. **Keep going."**

She continues. Alisa relaxed her body so she laid on Miwa’s chest and lifted her right hand to start playing with Miwa's hair. _"I'm sad that you cut it."_

"You can still run your fingers through it though...do you hate it?" 

"I didn't say that. I think you look cuter this way." 

"Oh, so you think I'm cute?" 

**"Always have...."**

Her heart was racing like a bullet train. She was really letting her self control go. It couldn't be helped. Not sitting like this. Being this close. _Feeling this good._ Her brain was malfunctioning. 

"You're not so bad yourself..." 

"Gotta be cute to be a model." 

"Yeah that's true... _but you're beautiful."_ Miwa lifted one of her hands from the place to the other’s face. Alisa leaned into the touch and closed her eyes. A small hum escaping her lips. Miwa began to run her fingers along her jawline and this shot electricity through her body. Her thumb landed on Alisa's lips and she kissed it. This rewarded her a giggle. 

"Everything about you is so beautiful...your eyes...you hair...your lips..." 

Alisa's eyes fluttered open and took a dive into Miwa's eyes. 

"You can have them...all of it." This caused Miwa to stop and pull away. Quickly the other moved away a bit giving the one on the bottom some space. _"I'm sorry--"_

**"I can't."**

"—You can't?" 

Miwa pushed them back up into a sitting position with Alisa still in her lap. Fear started to work its way into the girl's thoughts. She wanted nothing more than to disappear. She knew she shouldn’t have crossed the line. Why did she let her urge take her this far? Panic grabbed her by the throat-cutting off her breath. She began to search around the room for an answer to stop it all. _Why why why why why why why—_

"—I'm sorry" she sounded like a child with her broken words. Trying so hard to convey to Miwa that she didn’t want to take what she couldn’t have. To be like the boys that would steal what’s hers. 

"I want to...but..." 

**"Akito"** she nodded, _"Do you want to stay with him?_ " She hesitated. It was times like this that Alisa wished she could read minds. Things would be so much easier. But life isn't like a storybook and the narrator didn't know all the answers. 

"Whatever you say....It won't change anything between us unless you want it too..." Miwa still wouldn't make eye contact with her. Yet she kept making circles in her tight. 

"...I'm scared..." 

"Why?" 

"I don't wanna break." Her voice was cracking and the model could feel tears falling onto her lap. Alisa took her hand from Miwa's hair and lifted up her chin. Bringing her gaze to meet hers. 

_"Doesn't matter."_

"...What?" 

_"I'll be here to pick up your broken heart."_

Don’t go wasting your emotions.... 

_....Lay all your love on me_

—

They didn’t do anything else that night. Alisa let Miwa weep in her arms until she felt better. She helped her wipe off the makeup and they settled into bed. She held her in her arms and hummed her to sleep. Rubbing her back and playing with her hair. She won't be letting go. Never again. it wasn't to win Miwa. She isn’t a prize to be won. This battle to free her. Let her be among the birds in the sky. _Like she did for herself._

—

They didn't see each other for around two weeks. Texting did happen but the topic of the boyfriend and breaking up never happened. Alisa didn't want to pry or make the mood go down. On one of her breaks while shooting a commercial she saw a text. 

**2:03pm** | Miwa: _Hey are you free Saturday? I need help moving my stuff in storage. Also if it's not too much to ask....Can I stay at your place for a while? ONLY UNTIL I FIND ANOTHER!! I don't wanna be a burden...sorry_

Alisa quickly responded letting her know that it was okay. She then hopped over to her brother's messages and begged for his help. As she was typing to him Miwa responded. 

**2:11pm** | Miwa: _That's great!! Thank you! It's been a crazy two weeks._

A few minutes passed and another message came through. 

_Thank you for giving me the confidence to leave him_

—

Lev brought the whole volleyball team to help Miwa move. She burst into tears and hugged every last one of them. They were rewarded for their services with food that the girls bought together. 

—

_Cause everything is new_

_And everything is you._

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> AHAHAH CLIFFHANGER!!! I will be writing a part 2!! Just give me the time I suck at writing. Please let me know what you think in the comments or if you want you can scream at me on twitter @ funtomdreams. Thank you for reading!!!


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